Conquering Negative Emotions

Does being intelligent make you highly susceptible to psychological and physiological depression? This was a statement I read in a recent article by Sciencedirect.com. According to the article, a study was conducted by the American Mensa Society(no less)  that those who scored highly or one of the top in the intelligence tests were examined and found to have the prevalence of several disorders compared to the general population.

While I am definitely not saying that happy, gracious people are not capable of being depressed or having some form of disorder, I am wondering how we can change this perspective that we must be feeling negatively nearly all the time. Deep within our brain there is an almond shaped set of neurons that play a key role in the processing of our emotions. The amygdala is one of the parts of our body that is fully developed the moment a baby is born. Once used to signal us of the dangers around us, it now serves the role of providing us opportunities to show or feel emotions for a different purpose. However, Pain is still Pain no matter how you view it.

During my early 20s and 30s, it was a horrendous challenge to be positive. Didn’t sleep till late as I could not stand to think of what was my life coming to. I was married to the woman I loved (Still am) and had just started a family. Yet, I had this debilitating idea that I was a fraud pretending to be happy. Even though I was successfully managing my working life, my inner child was still hurt and raw from the abuses I received as a child. I knew I was pretending.

Over time, as I transcended into the world of a public speaking through training, I learnt to visualise my feelings as something malleable and trained my mind to be positive. While it is definitely not full proof, it has helped me to exorcise some of the demons of my past.  Here are my top five daily must-dos to keeping positive.

1.    Start and end the day with positive affirmations.

Let the spirit of positive affirmations, start your day. Talk to yourself in the mirror, even if you feel silly, with statements like, “Today will be a good day” or “I’m going to be awesome today.” You’ll be amazed how much your day improves. Use it as a positive mantra for the rest of your day. Over time, you will even streamline your thoughts and emotions.

2.    Use humor to transform the negative to the positive.

The one thing that kept me sane during my depressive bouts was the ability to laugh at myself. While not everyone can handle self-deprecation, I used it to make light of not just the situations but myself as well. When I was about to have my last child, I was going through a very bad place. Having left my job to start a business, not being sure if there was enough money to survive. I was at my lowest.  During that time, I allowed myself to experience humor in even the darkest or most trying situations.

3.    Mindfulness

While this may soon become an overused cliché, being present in the moment is a big deal. Most of us have lots of emotional baggage that we can trundle along whenever the mood arises. Being laden with the luggage can act as a tremendous strain on our well-being.  However, when we take the perspective of allowing the emotions to run through on their own and we just observe without expectation, clarity occurs. It’s like being in the ‘zone’ for sports players. You just live in the moment and nothing else comes in.

4.    Transforming the negative to the positive

I am a conundrum of negativity when the mood gives. It does not take much for me to get laden with pain. I am normally the first person to admit that I am so bad at things. Yet when we use transformative vocabulary, it really does make a difference! I used to get single digits for Math in Secondary School. It was scary as I really did not get the concepts. I always told my friends that I was terrible in maths and I believed it too. Yet in my 4^th year, I made a decision that I would tell myself, “ I am going to practice till I get it and destroy this blooming pain” With the attitude change and constant self- affirmation, my ungraded F9 become a magnificent  A2. All because I stopped talking about how bad I was to declaring  How I was going to whoop its a$$.

5.    Surrounding yourself with positive and encouraging people

I made a decision a few years ago that I would surround myself with mentors and encouraging people. Amazingly enough, I found it at my local Toastmasters Club. Having a sea of positivity and encouragement works wonders for the soul. Which is why every parenting module will tell you that children need an enriching environment. Once you start searching, you would realise that there are more than we can count.

These 5 tenets are crucial to my well-being. I believe they will help you too. Stay blessed.

Never give up. Stay positive. Be happy.

Why we need to start speaking up

3 steps to why we need to speak up.

Choosing to be silent when you do not appreciate what is being said may seem like a good idea but more often than not, the art of silence implicitly means that you agree with what was said. Silence is just as powerful as talking. Whenever you are involved in a situation, people are aware of all the input and lack of it. When you disapprove and don't say anything, it will not make you seem easy going. Doing nothing and allowing it to happen is just as enabling as wholeheartedly agreeing on a topic.  People rarely thank you for withholding information. So speak up and let your opinion be heard.

1. Speaking up for the greater good.  Most people are good-hearted by nature.  Many stay silent because they don't want to harm, offend or criticise others. But when a person seems severely misguided or heading down a treacherous path, it's selfish to put our own need to be comfortable above the needs of the others. Worse, by staying silent, you may be harming the very people you hope to help. The worst case scenario if you speak up is that someone may disagree, but at least the issue is out and an active decision can be made. The best case scenario is that everyone benefits and recognises you to be someone to be 2. Demonstrate you are invested. Why were you invited to the conversation in the first place?  You were probably recognised as someone who can make a difference in your area of expertise. Someone invited you into the dynamic. If you truly don't have an opinion, then find a better use of your time. However, if you are there for a reason you need to show your commitment to the process and the people involved by being active and vocal. Speaking up is an important form in integrity and honesty. Honesty  builds trust, especially combined with tact and empathy. While the 3 may seem mutually exclusive, together they are a potent combination and a welcome to any conversation. By demonstrating your opinions vocally,people will recognize your independent thought and sense of empathy. You will never lack for trusting friends and followers.

3. No one else may see your perspective. You can't assume the obvious is obvious. Your experience and knowledge has value in a given situation. No one else has your unique perspective. That doesn't mean that everything in your brain is worth sharing, but with a little discretion and thought, you should be able to bring value in most situations.  Also, people don't automatically recognize your skills, values, ambitions, and desires when you are quiet. If you wait around for people to notice or read your mind, you will likely end up on many paths that are not of your own choosing. You may end up with projects you don't want, missing promotions you do, or accepting tasks you don't have time or ability to complete. Recognise that yo are unique with your own independent thought and share to add value.

5 steps to having healthy Father – son relationship

During the course of a man's life, there comes a time when blah ...blah ...blah. 

Well in the spirit of this emotion that seems to manifest itself more and more over time, I have realised that I am a father and proud of it! So I am back in the saddle and I am going to focus on fatherhood and how we can be better fathers.

5 steps to having healthy Father – son relationship

In life, we meet a variety of people regardless of race, language or religion.  Some are fleeting while others form the bedrock of our beliefs. How do we know we are in a healthy relationship? Yet our deepest beliefs begin forming with the very first set of caretakers we have. Parents. 

According to leading therapist, Dr Beverly Amsel, when parental involvment is limited, children typically receive scant mirroring and encouragement. So Daddy, here are 5 steps to building an optimal relationship with your from crib to their teenage years.

Humility

Many fathers have a need to be seen as the strong, stoic and decisive role model. However, this may do more damage to your son. This expectation by him and others to behave similarly in their own relationships will forever riddle themeselves with self doubt and inferiority.

No one grows up knowing everything. Yet when working with our boys, the “Do as I say and not as I do”  mentality is detrimental to the development of the relationship. Be open with your struggles and flaws growing up as a boy and share how you overcame them.

Friendly vs Friend

As our boys grow up, they will have their own cliques and friends. Don’t be a friend, be a friendly dad instead. The day and age of the unwavering patriarch has been replaced by the man comfortable with his own emotions. You will always be a father to your child.  Focusing on being a friend will not do you any favours. Your child will look upon you in suspicion and deride your worth as a dad. Medeival as it sounds, there must be a heirarchy to the family structure for your son to understand the fluidity between boundaries and creativity.

Shared Moments

Shared moments do not have to be life changing or serious. Having a cup of coffee in the morning or going out for walk are just as great. Your son may not show it as he grows older, but this is what memories are about. He will definitely miss it if you put a stop to it. Talking about your son’s favourite movies or games, opens you to the world that he is privy to. Look for commonalities between your interests that span 10 to 30 years and share. There is no need for a tangible goal to achieve at the end of the session. This avoids the pressure of a checklist and hitting your conversation checklist. Remember, the role of the parent is to be a mentor not a coach. (Will discuss more on this in the coming months)

Following up on promises

One characteristic that all children need is Hope. The first person they look towards this is their own parents. By ensuring we deliver on our promises, we provide the impetus for our boys to build healthy relationships with others. What happens if we don’t follow through? We apologise. Don’t do it too often though. Or they will never take us or our words seriously.

Being emotionally and physically present

This has steadily become a taboo over the years. Human beings are a very emotion based species. We enjoy intimacy. Yet we are living in the times of suspicion and litigation. Never be afraid to hug you boy or even cry in front of him. Our boys need to understand that it’s perfectly alright to feel and show emotional pain in an appropriate manner. The habit of bottling it up is one of the primary reasons why the rate of suicide between boys and girls is so wide. So show your son it is ok to feel sad. He will appreciate you for it.

It is never to late to start a healthy relationship with your son. While these are not the only steps, they will start you on the right track as they start foraging into their teenage years. 

Teacher Bashing 101

I read an article  about a concerned parent recently. He had made a police report on how his daughter had been verbally abused by a female teacher in class. If memory serves me right, it went something like this, "I don't want to see your face".

Yup, that's it. I know alot of you are probably wondering about why this was even an issue. Well, according to the Straits Times, the child who was 7 was unable to answer a question and so was verbally abused by the teacher.

The teacher was apologetic after receiving a letter from dear old MOE. So apologetic that she wrote a full page apology to the parent and the child for the abuse she had scorned on the child. Well, it kind of got me thinking, should we stop there itself? Why not we "out" the teacher and hold her to public ridicule as we do to all those who offend us over the net? Would it do any good?


I am all for verbal abuse. It's a Singaporean way of life. What's the use of having the skills if you can't practise it ? How many of us, upon learning a new language, look up naughty words? I know there are two categories of people here. Those who admit they do and those who are just plain bluffing. (Yup. That's right, I am looking at you)

To those of you who wish to preserve our way of life in the arts of verbal abuse, here are some tips that I humbly provide for your perusal.


(1) BUILD A RELATIONSHIP

     That's right. Before you plan on abusing anybody verbally, ask yourself. "Have I created a relationship strong enough with this person, to tear him a new one?" Not everyone (barring sado- masochists) appreciates receving abuse, espcially from those they have no stable relationship with.

(2) When abusing, PLEASE GIVE SOME CONSTRUCTIVE ADVICE
      Being constantly bombarded with negative criticism is not healthy, even for the best of us. Instead of focusing on the negative, provide suggestions on specific areas on which to improve. Remember, we are here to nurture the child, NOT show him all 18 levels of hell.


(3) Provide AFTER ABUSE ENCOURAGEMENT
    Speak to the child, tell him that you have not given up hope. You are concerned, and the concern was what led you to abuse the ears off the child. So share why you think they can and should do better. It is more impactful when you do this

(4) DON'T ABUSE!!
      Don't take out your frustrations on a child if you have to. Having fear ruling over your child's head is not something that is beneficial. Calm yourself and communicate. Don't eradicate. We all have our frustrations, try to control your own emotions. We are the adults afterall.

Finally if all else fails, why not ask yourself, if this is how you wish to be remembered, the great abuser of souls or a great teacher?

The choice is yours.

politics = wrestling?

 

Wrestling has been part of many lives. While some would rather look on disdain upon the culture of sports entertainment, there are many of us who grew up watching hulkamania running wild or Rick rude gyrating his hips or for the younger generations watching Dx, waging a war on wcw.

While many claim it is a mockery of 'real' sport, how many of us have seen diving in football, or weird dancing moves at the end of a touchdown and not cringe at the 'fakeness' of it?


Does wrestling really deserve such a bad rep? The injuries are pretty bad when it happens( the dynamite kid, stone cold..) deaths have even occurred (OwenHeart).

With all this blood, high flying acrobatics and death defying stunts, you would think they would be canonized or sent to a mental asylum, instead they challenge their bodies and themselves to reach greater heights.

So mainstream has it been that some even go on to hold public office. Remember Jesse the Body Ventura? Well he is one such example. With the recent debate on puthucheary being introduced to be an mp, I would like to invite on behalf of the people, Two such icons to become Singapore citizens and represent us. Step forward candidate number 1:

Duane Johnson, The Rock!

Who else can lead the people but the peoples' champion? Bringing it to parliament and laying the smack down on overpaid, head in the cloud, jabroni waanabies , already an A lister , he would definitely be able to move on to become even the prime minister of Singapore. He would need a strong deputy who while enforcing the law, would still keep him in check. Step forward...


STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN. He would let out a can of whoop ass if anyone tried to sue him for insubordination. And heaven forbid if they ask him why he said so. (Do I hear a 'what'?)

All it would take is two years from citizenship and as they have already sweat blood and tears for the people, they would be the perfect people to take over.

So let's give it out for the two.
PM Duane the Rock Johnson
And
Stone Cold Steve Austin

Free Security?

Once again, I have to say how great it is to have a casino in Singapore (technically RWS is off shore:).
Now the government has no choice but to declare the revenues we are getting and thanks to that we have a beautiful waterfront in Woodlands.  The waters around the little coast is beautiful and the area for kite flying and other assorted activities allow alot of people to have fun at different times of the day.
The huge play area with the ropes and the climbing structures are constantly utilised by kids and adults alike. The only thing that bugs me is why is it so close to a remand center? Is it because we have no other place to have the waterfront?

Could it be possible that after the Mas Selamat incident, out gahment has found a long term solution to security. Instead of just relying on the highly skilled security officers and prison officers the area will now be surrounded by civilians who will constantly be on the look out for potential illegal immigrants as well as potential escapees from the center?

Hey, hey I am not condemning the solution, in fact i think its great! As a citizen of this country, I do get bored from time to time. Coming to the waterfront, having fun with my children, or actually watch my children have fun as I wait at the side hoping to get a chance to bring the kids for a walk, observe flora and fungi, fly a kite... (I'm a closet nerd, can't be helped).


Now when i go to the waterfront, i get to be a lookout for the government too. This is my country and being an Operationally ready NSman gets boring during the off reservist time. So this gets the old blood pumping and i am ready to scream shrilly at potential enemies, escapees (anything... I dont care).

I could probably use my Gun - App on the Iphone  and start shooting at them if things turn nasty.
So, thank you Singapore, I love the Woodlands Waterfront!

Dear Employee

 
Dear employee,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Manager. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can get.






To all my friends, have a great Dilbert Weekend!